The Long Road Back Home
by colorfulworld1234
Summary: Dean and Sam try to find their way back to themselves after Sam's betrayal. Warnings: Wincest. Angst. Disclaimer: I don't own supernatural, I simply borrow the characters. I don't make any profit from this story. Beta credit goes to BlossomsOfSorrow! This story won't be good without her! Thanks!


_Dean doesn't talk to Sam anymore. And all Sam wants is to have Dean look at him again._Takes placejust a couple of weeks after Lucifer Rising. Follow the Winchester boys as they find their way back to themselves.

Characters: Sam, Dean, brief mentions of Ruby, Azazel and Jack. Character pairing: Sam/Dean.

**Warnings:** Wincest. Angst.

There will be a brief mention of wincest fanfiction in the first chapter. In the next chapters, Sam and Dean will start reading wincest and wondering and stuff like that. Hope you enjoy! :)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own supernatural, I simply borrow the characters. I don't make any profit from this story.

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**A/N: **This is my second attempt at fanfiction. This is going to be a fic with multiple chapters. Please leave your comments and reviews! Thanks! :)

PS: You should listen to Get It Right by GLEE cast. It's a really great song and I think it describes Sam's thoughts after Lucifer rising.

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_What have I done, wish I could run_

_Away from this ship going under_

_Just trying to help, hurt everyone else_

_Now I feel the weight of the world is_

_On my shoulders_

- Get it right by GLEE cast.

Sam doesn't know how everything turned out this way.

He doesn't know how his noble intentions brought about the end of the world.

If someone had told him a few weeks ago that killing Lilith would mess up everything -His ability to trust his own judgement, his relationship with his brother, and the whole fucking world- Sam would have laughed. Dean had told him that it wouldn't do any good, but Sam shot him down. Sam thought less of Dean because he was fresh out of Hell and still recovering from the injuries that he had endured while saving Sam's life.

Dean had died because he wanted Sam to live, and Sam thanked him by, not only trusting, but fucking some demon skank named Ruby, who ended up betraying him later. Not to mention the fact that he was drinking this demon's poisonous blood, an act that altered Sam's ability to think and function.

Sam remembers a time when Dean would search his laptop for cartoon porn, but that was before.

That was before Sam betrayed Dean and said words that should never have been said while he had an apocalyptic fight with his brother in the honeymoon suite where he had fucked that bloodsucking demon.

That was before when Dean actually looked at Sam, and smiled at him. That was before when Dean listened to Sam.

That was before when they were brothers.

Gone were the days when Dean would have done anything to see a smile on Sam's face. To keep him breathing. Dean had done everything to keep Sam breathing, too. He had sold his soul and endured torture for thirty years. And by the time Cas raised him up from that pit, he had suffered a kind of hell no one could understand while Sam was off screwing his demon skank.

That attitude, that unconditional love Dean had for Sam was before he chose Ruby over his brother.

Now, the late afternoon has slowly started to melt into a summer evening and the heat has begun to subside. Dean is sitting on his bed listening to music and eating chicken wings that are covered thoroughly with sauce. Sam is sitting on his own bed, body tilted towards Dean so his brother won't see what he's doing on the computer.

It's been awhile since Dean has touched his computer.

Before, when everything was fine, Dean would sneak it away from Sam and then forget to clear the history and Sam would know what his brother had been up to. Not that he actually ever minded even if he pretended to be grossed out and annoyed by it.

Anything of him that could pleasure Dean was great.

Sam knew that his feelings for Dean weren't normal - they were actually pretty fucked up, but he couldn't help it. And now when he keeps his laptop open and available for Dean, his brother refuses to glance it's way. That's why he's surprised when he sees a history in the browser when he's searching for an important page he forgot to bookmark. The entry is not his. It must be Dean's.

Sam is so overwhelmed with joy because Dean used his computer that he makes the mistake of looking at his brother.

His brother looks up at him with cold emerald eyes which are void of any emotion, and then looks away with just as much disinterest. Dean looks outside the open window as he picks up another chicken wing and puts it into his mouth. He licks the remnants of sauce from his fingers.

The sight going straight to Sam's cock.

Sam feels flushed all over with embarrassment as he looks away from his brother and at the screen. He clicks the link and comes across a search page with the word 'wincest' in the search box. He looks at Dean again and this time, Dean snaps.

"What's your problem, Sam?"

He's still looking away, but his shoulders are set in a defensive stance. His posture promises violence.

Sam knew he had it coming, but the words still cut into him like shards of glass.

The use of his name hurts the most.

Dean doesn't call him Sammy anymore. He calls him Sam, and with enough scorn and disgust that Sam cringes every time he hears it. He misses that nickname because to Dean, Sammy meant his, Sammy meant loved and Sammy meant everything. And Sam's sure that Dean thinks "Sammy" is dead and he's never coming back. Sam tries to reach out to his brother.

He tries to apologize for what he did, but every time Dean shoots him down even before the words are out of his mouth.

Sam realizes that Dean is still waiting for an answer and he hastens to continue the conversation he has with Dean. And even though Dean's words are painful and makes Sam's insides squirm, it's good to know that Dean acknowledges Sam's presence for once.

"Nothing," Sam says through a throat that feels three sizes too small, and as an afterthought adds, "Sorry."

Dean doesn't look his way or even blink at the apology. He just puts the wings aside and starts for the door.

Sam feels tears burn in his eyes as Dean closes the door on him.

He lets the tears fall and lets the only word that is important to him slip out of his mouth. "Dean," he whispers between sobs. "Oh god, Dean. I'm so sorry."

Sam has been typing at his computer for a while.

Searching for ways to kill the Devil, something which he obviously won't find over the internet. And Dean realizes with a start that he forgot to clear the history on Sam's computer browser.

Curiosity had gotten the best of him and he had used the damn thing. He was on it for less than thirty seconds, but he forgot to clear the history, like an idiot.

He's thinking about it when Sam looks up at him.

He feels his brother's gaze on him, and he puts on his coldest of masks and meets Sam's eyes.

The chill Dean is giving off makes even him shiver internally, but he keeps the expression on his face. When he sees the brief flicker of hurt on Sam's face, he feels bad, until he remembers what his brother had done. He adds a bit more venom to his gaze and then looks away.

After a couple of minutes, he feels eyes on him again and this time, he can't take it.

"What's your problem, Sam?" he snaps, and a pang of hurt flows through him because it's Sam now. Not Sammy. Sammy's gone.

"Nothing. Sorry," his brother says after a few seconds.

Dean can hear that the apology is for more than staring at him.

It's for everything else, and Dean has to leave. Get out of this room and out of his brother's presence so he can think of something else other than the man sitting on the other bed.

So he puts the wings aside and puts on his coat before going out to clear his head. Dean doesn't think of taking the keys to the Impala, but he feels comforted when he feels the familiar metal keys in the pocket of his coat. The Impala is the only thing that has actually stuck with Dean this whole time, but if she had the choice to leave, Dean was sure that she'd be gone already.

When he shuts the door to the motel room, he quickly turns towards the Impala and sits in the driver's seat.

It smells like Sammy in here.

Like home.

A home which he has lost forever.

He has had his issues with everyone abandoning him but he could cope with it before because he always had Sammy. But now the brother he had always loved, the brother that he had endured Hellfire for, had betrayed him and chose a Hell's spawn over him, a demon who was likely laughing while Dean was being tortured on a flaming rack.

Now that this had happened, Dean didn't know how to go on.

He doesn't know how to go on pretending he wasn't hurt. How to go on using a mask of anger to disguise his real inner turmoil. How to go on saying that it was the betrayal that had hurt Dean, when it was really the fact that Sam had chosen someone else over him.

Most of all, Dean doesn't know how to go on pretending that he didn't love Sam with a love that was far more than just brotherly. He doesn't know that even when he remembers the poison clouding his brother's eyes when he had his hands on Dean's throat in the trashed motel room, he can't help but love him. And he can't help but hope.

Hope that maybe after everything that's happened, Sam would stay. But Dean isn't stupid. He knows that his brother has been trying to escape him for a long time ago.

He knows that no matter what happens, Sam wants more than what Dean has to offer. His brother has been trying to leave Dean for a long time. He left for Stanford to have a normal life. But what he did now was worse. Because Sam chose the demon skank over Dean only because he wanted to escape him. And that stings the most.

He remembers the night when he carried a crying Sammy out of their burning house. And he remembers Azazel's words in the cemetery before he put a bullet in the demon's head. And thinks that maybe the son of a bitch was right. Maybe what he brought back from the grave wasn't Sammy. That maybe Sammy died when Jack pushed the knife in his spine and twisted it.

Dean doesn't know how to deal with the intense pain in his chest and every time he thinks of Sammy, it feels like someone is trying to rip him out from the inside. So he does what he can and rests his head on the steering wheel. He lets the silent tears fall while he tortures himself with the thoughts of his brother before he left for Stanford. When Dean was and stupid enough to think that everything was going to turn out right.


End file.
